Girls Need Love Too (Especially Black Girls)
Summer Walker might have been on to something when she created the chorus to the song that plummeted her into fame "Girls Need Love"
"Girls can't never say they want it
Girls can't never say how
Girls can't never say they need it
Girls can't never say now."
Because honestly and truly, as a woman and a woman of color at that, we can't say shit without being hyper criticized, slut shamed, harassed or ridiculed by the hands of men for expressing basic human needs that the rest of the world requires. We are constantly told things such as:
"You're never going to get a man if your standards are that high!"
"Why would you wear that outside? Don't you wanna make yourself look presentable for your future husband! He'll never date you if you're dressed like that!"
"You're a woman who openly talks about enjoying sex? You're a hoe."
I speak from experience when I say dating in this day and age can be DRAINING. Studies from this year have shown that black women are more likely to be unmarried according to the 2010 census. Although these reasons cannot particularly be identified, I took it upon myself to do some qualitative research on why this might be a thing. So I asked some of my friends (some single, some not) on their feelings about dating today and if being a black woman (or man) has a certain affect on their dating lives. Here's what they had to say.
Question #1: As a black woman, do you feel as if the stereotype “it’s harder to love a black woman” is accurate in any shape form or way?
Kayla, 23, single: "No I don’t believe I’m harder to love because I’m a black women. I think I want the same type of love anyone would truly want in life. And I think the love I want should come easy if it’s coming from someone who truly cares for me.
Kianna, 23, taken: "I would definitely say that the stereotype is accurate in a sense. I say this because black women have been traumatized, abused, degraded and overall put through so much on a daily basis in terms of harassment and not being protected like we should be so yes it’s harder to love us. We tend to have attitudes and rougher around the edges just because the black woman experience is a difficult one."
Question #2: What is your stance on relationships today?
Claudine, 23, single: "They aren’t necessarily taken serious today almost everyone is into “sneaky links” and “looking for a vibe” it’s hard to find someone with your same morals and mindset but also not everyone has dealt with their mental health issues and emotional trauma enough to maintain healthy long term relationships."
Corey, 24, taken: "I feel as if relationships aren’t as strong & prevalent as they used to be pre-heavy social media era; due to heavy influence and the idea of independence being stronger than ever. I’m all for them but I do think there are new areas to navigate through as far as the ups and downs of a relationship goes."
Josef, 23, single: "Honestly I’d say I don’t really have a stance on relationships. It’s nice to see others in relationships & all, but the thought of myself being involved in one at this point just seems foreign. There’s just some things I want to get straight, before I decide to enter a relationship."
Question #3: Do you feel as if the men in our community (black men) do a good enough job at protecting black women in terms of loving block women the way that we deserve to be loved?
Kayla, 23, single: "I can say that a lot of work needs to be done. I definitely feel like Black Men need to do a better job protecting and loving Black Women."
Kianna 23, taken: "I feel as though there is a very small percentage of men who protect and advocate for black women and a small percentage who loves us for who we are. It’s too common that black women are called out of their names, threatened or even assaulted when they are approached by a man and reject/refuse their attention. There are men out there who do their part in protecting us, understanding us and loving us but unfortunately we are a target with not much support or protection around us."
Claudine, 23, single: "No absolutely not if they did we wouldn’t have to put up with situations like colorism and “snow bunnies” black men just believing it’s easier with light skin and white women, we’re constantly projected as aggressive and unable to “treat a black man right”
Question #4: How do you feel about the constant narrative that black men are usually portrayed as “dogs” in terms of the way how they treat women? Do you subscribe to this ideology? How are you different from this?
Corey, 24, taken: "I don’t really feel much of a way towards the idea because it’s true to an extent and I’m not in that category so I have nothing to worry about; but I do feel like social media sometimes drags it out to make it seem more than what it is such as very minimal situations being made out to be WW3 when in reality sometimes it’s just not that big of a deal. I would say I don’t fit that category because I don’t participate in most of the activities in which people would label as ‘dog behavior’. It’s really just not that hard to treat a black woman right."
Myles, 23, single: "No I do not because I feel like it paints a bad image on the ones who are good. It’s all about separating the bad from the good & knowing who’s who. I’m different from this because I show respect to everyone including women."
Question #5: Lastly, give some advice to black men on how to love and protect our black women more/some advice to black women when it comes to relationships.
Kianna, 23, taken: "Try to understand us first. Staying informed on what we go through on a regular basis & being knowledgeable of the struggles that black women go through (in regards to lack of safety, oppression, stereotypes, society’s self image “criteria” for black women, etc) Simple gestures to ensure our safety such as walking women home when it’s late. Allowing black women to speak and actually allowing us to be heard. Letting us have our moods and giving us a safe space to vent. Expressing words of affirmation to us. Black women definitely require a lot of patience for sure but with men providing us the right amount of love, support and protection, we would be much safer.
Myles, 23, single: "The best I could say is know yourself & know your worth. be patient, do not rush and know that the very best is yet to come and try to remain humble always."
Kayla, 23, single: "The advice I would give Black Men on loving Black Women better is to acknowledge your own bad behavior, get in touch with why you treat your partner a certain way and go to therapy for any essential trait that you are lacking. Most of the time when men treat women bad it’s because of something that’s lacking in them , whether it’s understanding or emotional intelligence or straight up trauma. It’s not the Black Women’s job to help you figure it out, please find free resources to help you become a better version of yourself and a better lover."
Corey, 24, taken: "The advice I would give to black women when it comes to a relationship would be to give your partner time (but not too much time) for adapting, to learn your love language, to learn to deal with your specific tendencies and to be able to learn to love you the way you need to be loved, and learn everything that your partner needs as well. Speak up however you feel about anything when you actually go through it... too many times things aren’t spoken about and lead to other issues or they end up in a habit that can’t be broken easily because partners didn’t have a conversation when the initial event came up. These things could be applied to both men and women though."
Honestly, I couldn't agree more with every single response that I have gathered from my friends. It was super interesting conducting these interviews because everyone had like a completely different POV when it came to this discussion. Although, I think it was important that we had this discussion because often times, we aren't encouraged to ask the tough questions and speak up enough about our experiences even though they can be used to help others. If you want my advice, as a fellow black woman and someone who is just trying to find their way in this dating thing as well, just relax. Cliche, I know. But I believe in divine timing. Therefore I believe in when the time is right, the partner that you deserve will come into your life unexpectedly and sweep you off your feet. Black women, you are loved. You are desired. You deserve everything good and more that this beautiful world has to offer. As always continue to be yourself, and don't EVER take SHIT from anyone who tells you otherwise.
Love,
Lea 💕
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